It's amazing how powerful two little words can be. "What if" can bring to mind situations to make you smile, make you cry, make you feel ways you never thought possible. Most of my "what if" moments only last a brief second. I truly feel and believe that I am where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to do. With that said, there's this one thing... What if, instead of going to med school, I was married and living as a Marine wife right now?
I can't deny that I've had this thought several times over the past 2 years. Most of the time, though, it passes very quickly. Like I said, I know I am where I'm supposed to be. But there's a few times, especially when I'm up there for extended periods of time (i.e. more than a weekend), that I truly wonder if it would be any better if that was my life. I know I would be happy there. Every time that I'm there, whether it's for a weekend or for weeks, it just feels natural. It feels RIGHT. I can honestly see myself up there and being happy with it. Having my own home there, my own little family... I know it's the life I gave up the day I sent in my admission to school. It's my other future, my "would have been". Maybe that's why it's so hard to stop thinking about the "what if" now, after spending a week there. I have friends up there, I have the love of my life up there, I have the life I've always wanted up there. And yet, I'm down here. Without him.
Yes, I have friends here, I have family here, and I am happy.
But I can't help but think... What if?
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the "what if's.." they plague us all from time to time. My only consolation on this one though, is that this semi-short term "what if" was traded for a lifetime of "she's got it all".. cause you know you will ;)
ReplyDeleteAnd that day, when you're looking at your husband and your newborn baby and thinking of the lives you've saved in the past few years, you'll think "what if" and it'll be a lot easier to digest. And why yes, I did take an awwww moment there :)