What if?

It's amazing how powerful two little words can be. "What if" can bring to mind situations to make you smile, make you cry, make you feel ways you never thought possible. Most of my "what if" moments only last a brief second. I truly feel and believe that I am where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to do. With that said, there's this one thing... What if, instead of going to med school, I was married and living as a Marine wife right now?

I can't deny that I've had this thought several times over the past 2 years. Most of the time, though, it passes very quickly. Like I said, I know I am where I'm supposed to be. But there's a few times, especially when I'm up there for extended periods of time (i.e. more than a weekend), that I truly wonder if it would be any better if that was my life. I know I would be happy there. Every time that I'm there, whether it's for a weekend or for weeks, it just feels natural. It feels RIGHT. I can honestly see myself up there and being happy with it. Having my own home there, my own little family... I know it's the life I gave up the day I sent in my admission to school. It's my other future, my "would have been". Maybe that's why it's so hard to stop thinking about the "what if" now, after spending a week there. I have friends up there, I have the love of my life up there, I have the life I've always wanted up there. And yet, I'm down here. Without him.

Yes, I have friends here, I have family here, and I am happy.

But I can't help but think... What if?

another day, another dollar

I've been working for 2 weeks now. Crazy to think it's been that long. I really enjoyed house medicine, my resident and intern were absolutely fantastic. They went out of their way to explain everything to me, and I feel like I learned an incredible amount of info... Hard to believe it's been only 2 weeks! But, while I really enjoyed my time there and everything I was learning....I never felt that spark, that excitement that comes when you just KNOW that you're where you're meant to be. And then comes today. My attending is off this week, so he set me up with people in all the "-ologies" as my mom called it. Hematology, Rheumatology, Endocrinology... I'm excited about having all sorts of different experiences. And I'm already truly amazed at how friendly everyone has been, and how willing to teach and explain they all are. So today I went to rounds in hematology, and to be honest, I was expecting it to just be another day. Another day, another dollar. But instead, being up there just felt almost perfect. It's a little weird, how I can say that I "love" cancer. Because it isn't really the cancer that I'm pulled toward. It's the people, and the relationships that develop. I may not have much experience with hem/onc from the physician side yet, but God knows I've seen way more than my fair share from the patient's family side. I've seen that patient-doctor relationship, and it's amazing to me.

Maybe I found my calling? I'm not quite sure yet, but I did prove today that hem/onc is definitely one of my top choices for my future. Fingers are crossed that I enjoy next month in the ER too, and that God will show me where I'm supposed to be. :)

a glimpse into the future?

Whoever came up with this idea for Dean's Clinical Observership deserves a medal. It's an awesome program. I'm absolutely LOVING my time in internal medicine so far. Hospitalist service is pretty cool, my attending and residents are incredibly nice and helpful... I feel like I'm learning so much. Keeping my fingers crossed that it'll stick and help me in my next year of classes. The M3s on "my" team just started today. They seem really nice, but at the same time, it makes me feel a little uncomfortable, both in my lack of knowledge and because I'm worried about being in their way. I guess we'll all figure it out in a few days.

As for another "look" into the future... I have one every time I look down at my left hand. That pretty, shiny diamond ring still looks a little funny. I'm so not used to it. But I'm also very excited. I know I've found my soulmate, the one person I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I've thought and prayed long and hard about us getting married, and although I would love to take the plunge ASAP, I know that it would be smarter (and in the end, probably better) if we wait for him to move home for good. So 1.5 years until I see the love of my life every day, and probably closer to 2 until I can call him my husband. :)

I love my life right now. Love, love, love, love, LOVE. <3